Cross-cultural mourning

I've experienced some culture shock in the last few days as I have mourned the loss of a former student, killed in Iraq last Friday. Here's what I've learned about how Hungarians react to someone who is mourning, which is somewhat different than how, typically, Americans would react. When I shared my "loss" with some close friends, they responded with absolute silence....I was stunned....I expected them to say SOMETHING, to provide some sort of verbal comfort. My first response was deep hurt...."They don't care....all they are thinking about is this war and how much they don't agree with it. Can't they see beyond the war to a loss of life? Can't they see I'm hurting?" Well, I've learned some very important and very good lessons as I've "processed" these things with various Hungarians. In general, Hungarians say nothing when told someone has lost someone, because that is the most comforting and honorable thing to do; to say something would be flippant and shallow. To remain silent is to say, through your silence, that you are feeling their pain with them, deeply, and words cannot and should not be spoken because no words can ever convey the depth of the sorrow or tragedy. Additionally, we Americans, in general, are a hugging culture when we are comforting someone. Only the VERY closest of friends in Hungary would even think to give someone a comforting hug. A close friend would sit next to someone mourning, let them cry, but would not hold their hand, put an arm around a shoulder or give that person a hug. A friend would simply sit, let the person cry, and listen if the person wanted to talk about the situation. But, the Hungarian would not ask questions....he or she would simply let the person mourning talk if he/she wanted to talk. To ask questions would be intruding and would be considered, in general, rude and uncaring. I'm so thankful for these lessons this week as I know I've been so "American" with my Hungarian friends and have been quick to try to say a comforting word, which, to many of them, is yet another indication, in their eyes, of American "shallowness". Who was it that said, "The older I get, the more I realize I do not know."? How very true!


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